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remember when i said i'd post poetry every month

So it turns out I can only post poetry in large dumps at the beginning/end of the year. And honestly, that's okay! Here are some words that I feel proudest of writing and/or editing further from the past year. A warning in advance that these are...even more emotional than last year's. I'm holding off on posting all of it because a lot of my poetry actually turned into songs that I'm workshopping further in the new year?!?

 

"some inaugural thoughts: heart, hope, healing.”


i wholeheartedly believe

that a better tomorrow

will finally happen.


i hold onto hope

even through immense pain,

even knowing this is only the beginning.


i am healing.

 

"the problem with forever"


The problem with forever is that you never know when it starts. The problem with myself is that I don’t know where to start. The problem with this whole thing is that it still hasn’t really started Even though it has started. and I’m so scared that time will pass me by That the families that could be will pass me by

That the life I could live will be left unlived like literally everything I have ever done. Well, let’s try this. No. Okay, let’s do this.

 

"tuesday/wednesday (or: memories of that week in march.)"


no one goes to multiple asian massage parlors

with a gun

by accident.

no one says their excuse

for killing someone

is that they needed to get out their sexual frustrations,

and that’s enough to “not be a hate crime.”

no one gets away with this unless they’re white.


i have rarely received direct hate

but that doesn’t make hate any less hateful

i have somehow survived all these pwis,

but that doesn’t make living any less hard.

i rarely pay attention to my beauty,

but that doesn’t mean people don’t sexualize me anyway.


i want to believe in good.

i want to believe that i can do something.

but right now i am just so tired.


----


 

“city crossings"


this used to be my city.

but lately, i never see

anyone

that made this city

my city.


i’m still near school

and feel like i never graduated.


my four locations are my apartment,

the starbucks down the street,

and my jobs half an hour away

in opposite directions.


time is a construct

and we’re so far from each other

yet so close virtually every night.


but when people see me,

i forget that i ever had a problem

with closeness

to begin with.


why am i scared of people

i love?


i think i’m just scared

of love in general.

 

"do i like music or am i just incapable of being alone with my thoughts without it"


for the longest time, i didn’t write poetry

because i wrote songs.

it felt better than poetry.

if a word seemed off,

maybe it could still sound pretty.

i poured all my emotion into notes,

i tuned the guitar to sound just right,

i repeated the same stories to myself.


but now i don’t have any songs.

there’s no rhyme or reason,

i just can’t think of anything new.


words don’t come easily

music doesn’t hit the way it did

melodies to new releases are unclear.


i fill my world with noise

that I don’t actually hear.

 

“to be a light”


to be a light

is to shine so bright

that even those in the darkness

can follow.


to be a light

is to illuminate the paths

another is too scared

to follow.


to be a light

is to enlighten those

who want to know how

to follow.


to be a light

is to radiate energy

and be someone that someone

wants to follow.


to be a light

is to brighten one’s day

make them cry of happiness

and want to follow you.


to be in their corner.

to let your flame burn and give warmth.

to allow yourself to feel the light, too.

even if you flicker in and out

every now and then.


i hope this light

and the fellowship

remains forever.

 

"this is my forever"

(a follow up to “the problem with forever”)


This is my forever,

I know that it has started.

This is our forever,

It has really started.

This is our forever,

We love and we live

And forget that time passes by

And I’m finally living,

Making the families that could be

Living the life I never led,

Something I’ve never done.


Well, let’s try this.

No.

Okay, let’s do this.

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